Happy New Year!

What do I want to say?  This is New Years Eve for me.  It was a year ago that I began, "The Countdown", chronicling my journey through preparing for major back surgery and the following year or so of healing.   

My hopes and dreams were that somehow my writing would be a platform for me to express and process my emotions, thoughts, frustrations and fears and that perhaps if someone happened upon my bletherings they might somehow be encouraged also.

The sentence running through my mind right now is, how's that working for you?  To which I have to reply ..... not so well.  In three days it will be a month since my right hip was replaced.  Last November was my "successful" triple fusion back surgery and most every day since then I've struggled to keep my head above water, to look for the silver lining.  My original blog morphed into "Diary of a Bad Back Woman", as it became abundantly clear that there was no immediate end in sight for my healing process.  And there too I've struggled openly with the fact that living in chronic high levels of pain, existing with the aid of strong medications that often cloud my thinking, makes processing thoughts enough to mold them into some semblance of a blog often nothing more than a pipe dream.  Suffice it to say, my spirit is willing but the rest of me ....... will try, try again.

This past two years have changed me;  why I stumble along this path remains a mystery to me.  But stumble I do, and surrender I will as I endeavor to let go.  Ultimately at the end of the day, week, month, year all there is is faith ....... faith in what will be. 

 

 

 

So Where Do I Go From Here?

This is a really depressing quote if you happen to find yourself, as I do, without good health.  And this guy Herophilus doesn't give much hope.  So many thoughts running around in my head but none of them leading anywhere I'd like to go.  Get outta your head is what I keep hearing......to which I reply.......where am I going to go? 

This past week has been one of the roughest in a long time.  Going round and round the same issues in my head, mostly stemming from the frustrations that have been sucking my energy for over two years.  It's brutal to keep going round and round, especially when you can't walk. 

So I've taken almost a week of near complete solitude to consider my life.  Kinda scary when coming from such a dark place.  What I do have going for me are an amazing family and very dear friends who respect me and my process more so than even I do.

What I'm trying to do or accomplish or discover is my new "normal", especially when I don't "want" a new normal.  I want, I want, I want my "old" really fun life back.  There we have it ...... the issue right now is that I'm stuck in temper tantrum mode instead of stepping back and allowing the universe to reveal my new normal.

Yes, it's difficult living in constant pain, no, I don't have my health, and the fights for my medical care are going to continue for quite some time which is really depressing.  I've played that record over and over and over and gotten nowhere but into a deep dark hole.  Perhaps it's time for a different strategy.  Hire a yogi, learn to meditate, take up drinking to excess, or as a bumper sticker from years ago said, "Get in, hang on and shut up!!!"

And the Beat Goes On ........

It's been forever!!!  As boring as my life is this has been a very full month; depositions, mediation, cortisone shots in both the IT bands and my right hip, plus my computer took a sabbatical.  So here I am......writing on my brand new wonderful beast, well once I learn Windows 8.

The thing I really miss, meditating on whatever message the universe gives me, a seemingly random quote.  What's been interesting is that I couldn't write with my ancient computer, and as such I didn't find many quotes to ponder.  What's that all about.  Is this truly my sanity forum? 

Regardless, one thing that remains the same is my incessant need to be in control, leaving no room for "what is", those little surprises that make life interesting, new things, people, experiences.  I miss the fun of the unexpected.

Can't help but wonder......does my incessant thinking and worrying feed the depression that seems to overtake me?  What I learned this week is that when everything seems black, look for one point of light in the dark sky, make that the north star and focus on it.  Go to whatever bright spot there is, and it changes continually, it may be my family, a friend, perhaps my pups.......  Many days lately this has seemed a monumental task so I've turned to comedy movies.  Whatever works, the goal is to laugh, smile and find the ray of sunshine.  Stop thinking and start searching.

Up, up and away........

Close your eyes and visualize Phyllis Diller looking like she just survived a wind tunnel.  Now you know how I feel.  Strong winds......are you kidding me?  Try gale force and we'll be on the same page.  Me, well my hair is completely askew, my shape resembles a pretzel from trying to bend in these winds and my hands are open so whatever doesn't need to be there blows away.

One thing that has been incredibly fascinating to me through my journey is how quickly perspectives can change.  I started this blog a couple of weeks ago.  When I don't write it's because things are especially challenging and I'm just trying to keep my head above water.  As I've tried over the past weeks to finish the blog it has morphed into a different focus.  What I would have said 2-3 weeks ago about the winds, although true and valid is not what I say today having endured another incredibly difficult period.

The storm subsided after some particularly difficult days where the pain was so intense all I could do was cry.  Saw my back surgeon for monthly followup and decided that regardless of everything else I just need to get my hips replaced, quit waiting for workers comp cause I'll be dead before they get things in order and see if we can find the bottom.  A place from which to begin the massive rebuilding process of my life.  Waddled upstairs to the hip surgeons office, still sobbing.......OMG resembling a puffer fish, big red, swollen eyes.   His assistant, god bless her soul checked my legs and determined that my IT Bands were outta control with inflammation.  Long story longer, she gave me cortisone shots in both legs and within five minutes I was a different person.   Still crazy but not psycho.  My question then becomes how does anyone determine what the heck is wrong with me on any given day.  There is so much deterioration it is hard to determine, but on Thursday I was thankful for the nurse practitioner who was flexible enough to look for another option to my pain and her two cortisone shots.

I guess one lesson to keep in mind when facing challenges is perspective.  Being flexible and open to explore other avenues, Whether the winds are warm tropical breezes or gale force winds, my best option will not be to open my umbrella, unless of course I'm Mary Poppins being carried away to something new and better.

I've Got This One!

1. Sure wish it were easier for me to learn my lessons.  Getting hit up side the head continually leads to some serious headaches. 

How many times have I shared this lesson over my months of writing.  Sheesh .........  On the flip side this do or die attitude has worked so well for me over the years, it's just realizing these are not those years.

What have I been learning?  Wow, so many lessons but this is perhaps the most important:  Accept, Let Go and Trust!!! 

When I actually take a step back, breathe and study the situation ........ temper those feelings with the fact that favor really does seem to follow me ...... and the conclusion must be ....... what the heck am I freaking out about?  Losing my peace and focus simply opens the door for more confusion, stress and anxiety.  Coming from a place of faith and trust means accepting that there is no other outcome but what is ultimately best for me.

In no way does this preclude me from staying on top of the myriad of doctors, lawyers and case managers, but when things suddenly turn at 90 degrees, my first reaction needs to be ........ breathe.

I am a blessed person and sure have lost sight of that these past months by focusing on what I've lost.  There is a long list of amazing blessings that blows my socks off.  So even though things haven't gone according to plan and my body will never be whole and operational again, the focus needs to turn to my faith that there is a pot of gold at the end of this rainbow.  All I need to do is take a deep breath, grab my raincoat and galoshes and look for the nearest puddle to splash in.

Today's title is a line from one of my favorite movies, "Sex and the City", where Carrie and Big are looking at a penthouse apartment, she is in love with it and he says, "I've got it babe, I've got this one".  Deep in my heart these words are ringing as tho the powers that be are telling me ...... I've got it Caroline, I've got this one, and I'll build you a really big closet to boot.

Trust your own style!!!

It's been awhile, and I've missed writing.  An over eventful couple of weeks kept my head spinning out of control.  At least there were a few "fun" events thrown in. 

One of the questions that has been reeling around in my head over these past months, years is who am I now and who will I be when I'm "fixed"???

Last week I was fortunate enough to have been invited to the 1st Communion of a dear friend of mine's daughter and the gathering of friends afterwards.  Of course the subject of Caroline and her adventures always comes up, but a new friend, who also has a severely handicapped friend, turned to me and said, "what one thing would you advise people about their lives".  Meaning, since my current life bears no resemblance to the former, how do I cope and how do you impart to people the necessity of enjoying life.  I was speechless, and for anyone who knows me, that is a rare thing indeed.  To date, I still have no answers and that is how I replied.  There is no way to prepare yourself for this much destruction.  Am back receiving regular sanity sessions with my wonderful therapist and last week I asked and he answered that he has never seen this many things go wrong in a Workers Comp case.  So there you have it. 

What I am learning is to live in the moment.  It's such an unsettling space for me to be in, that I can't control a darn thing in my life.  On the flip side, as I practice living in the moment, there are the unexpected surprises of people's kindness, or smelling my jasmine as I open my door.  These are the "new style" of Caroline that is emerging.  Life is at a gentle pace for me, so the new style is quieter, more reflective, and appreciative of small mercies.  Who knows if the kick butt Caroline will return?  For now.........I still love pink, my dogs, flowers, and the fact that as I need things they manifest.  Trust, I'm learning to trust.

Slip, sliding away.......

And there we have it.........the silver lining!!!  Between exhaustion and my hip, climbing a hill is a physical impossibility.  Therefore the conclusion formed is that I have discovered the fountain of youth.  Climb up the hill and before you reach the top slide back down.  Wheeeeee.......

Saturday was another one of those days that a little humor helped.  A blinding headache had me in bed much of the day and what amazed me most was that I didn't do a darn thing but sleep.  Ha ha, can't climb a hill while you're sleeping either.

When I was a much younger woman, my thoughts were that "this" age was way over the hill.  Now I ask, how did I get here?  Where did all the time go?  I guess that since the main benefit to being this tired is that I'll never be over the hill, shouting hallelujah.......there is a god is a fitting birthday song.

As another new year is beginning, I look to the skies with a glimmer of hope, from my deposition on Thursday, that this may be a better year. 

You snooze, you lose?

According to me this is about right for a Friday.  You're either of the mindset yeehaw it's party time, or listening to one of the voices in your head shouting.......go to sleep.

It's been another tough and exhausting week.  Whew, glad it's over.  Lots accomplished around the house and yesterday was my Workers Compensation deposition in regards to my left hip. 
Ended up my lawyer pushed to also do a psych evaluation for coverage.  Long, long and exhausting afternoon.  The ray of hope is that there is now both a new case worker as well as law firm on the defense side of this case.  The ball has been dropped and it has cost me dearly, and dare me to have more than a flicker of hope that anything will change, but when I left my lawyer did have a firm commitment to get the transcript within the next week to ten days and movement forward on my case.  There seems to be little doubt that my mental state is nothing short of critical.  It's been almost 3 years since I fell and hurt myself.  And it doesn't take a genius to evaluate the mental cost of chronic pain.

Re-reading the message above did cause me to take a step back......wait does that mean I have 5 voices in my head, the four dead beats above and one that shouts get a life, have some fun.  Used to be that Friday meant dancing and meeting friends for drinks to celebrate the weekend.  Now I check my TV schedule to see if there is some tantalizing show to watch.  Perhaps I just need to contemplate whether penguins have knees. 

Poor Eeyore!

Seems there is an identity crisis going on.  My character has always been Tigger!!!  And as you may know.....Tigger's can do anything.  Bouncy, bouncy.  I have a huge collection of items from a gorgeous cross stitch my sister made for me to a toothbrush, and everything in between.  Tigger is so happy, how can you have a bad day when he's around.  And that's how I've faced life.  There may be bumps, but in the end.......it's all good.

These days I seem to have to work really hard to find the bright side of life, my life.  That is so hard for me, I prefer to stay in bed over all other possibilities.  Most things seem to overwhelm me.  And when I do attempt projects my pain level goes from manageable to just shoot me.

So how do I triumph over these challenges?  I am dumbfounded...... me, the person who has done fire walks, bends rebar with thoughts and focus, can't find any joy in life.  Every mechanism that has worked in the past now seems to be failing.

How did Tigger turn into Eeyore???  Really......how did this happen?  More importantly, how do I "pin the tail on the donkey" and send him packing?   Living a life full of fear, anxiety and depression really is a drag.  I know people who make a life out of it and I'll never understand that.  I'd much rather let the sun shine in and face it with a grin.  Alternately should I pretend to walk on sunshine in rose colored glasses and see if that will help?

One Bite at a Time

Is overwhelmed the same as anxious?  Cause this is an emotion that is way too familiar to me.  It may not even be a faraway goal.  Lots of my overwhelming comes from little things like do I want to go to the store.  And the really big goals, are, what's for dinner?  So these are great words to talk myself off the ledge, "I have it within me".  Is there a common stressor?  And why are things such a big deal?  Who really gives a crap if I go to the store or not...it's not life or death.  Unless you're hoping for "death by chocolate"!

I'm trying to navigate the what causes and the why do I get so anxious?  What is so fearful and why do I get frozen in time? 

This quote came at the perfect time.  It's been a fruitful but painful week, and I'm left feeling as though I am not capable of caring for myself.  Cooked a whopping two meals and my pain level is just below shoot me.  I hate a messy kitchen, yet there is no chance that I can both cook and clean in the same 24 hour period.  It's hard because I love to cook and derive great joy out of creating some spicy new dish, but this morning I'm faced with a counter and two sinks full of dishes.  Not a pretty sight.

All this to remind myself that goals can be as faraway as half an hour and I still "have it within me".  Step back, breathe and remember Rome wasn't built in a day and healing takes time. 

Dollars or Sense or Reason?

"You are always a valuable, worthwhile human being, not because anybody says so, not because you're successful, not because you make a lot of money, but because you decide to believe it and for no other reason." - Wayne Dyer

 

 

Hmmmm......seems to be the theme of the day!!!

 

Just got home from a lovely time at the beach with my dear friend Pam.  We shared a bottle of wine on an exceptionally warm coastal day.  You have no idea!!!  I really do live in an incredibly beautiful area, but it is amazingly cold too.  It's all relative, but as Mark Twain said, "the coldest winter he'd ever spent was a summer in San Francisco".  I live just south of there and believe me.......... fires are an all summer long event. 

 

Just so happens we were solving "all" the world's problems.  Imagine .......... that much accomplished in just one bottle of wine.  If you'd like to know the vintage let me know.  Kidding aside we really did discuss personal "worth" issues and how they manifest differently in every one's life.  And all we had to do was read Wayne Dyer's book. 

 

Don't get me wrong, I love Wayne Dyer and believe he has an important message to the world.  Heck, we all have an important message, it's just that some people grab hold of their mission and actually try to fulfill it.  Why is that??  Some, "get it" and the rest of us fumble around saying we have no idea why we're here and what we're supposed "to do".  I'm trying to figure it out as I'm sure most people are.  As this time in my life seems to be about simplifying, getting to the bottom of it, stripping away all the extras and quieting all the noise in my life, what is left??? 

 

Well in re-reading the quote above, it would seem that what is left in my life is the stark reality that I am a worthwhile human being, for no other reason than because I am.  Perhaps I'll tattoo this on my hand as a constant reminder, because I've certainly fallen victim to most every entrapment to believe any other possibility.  Is this why my "life" has and is being stripped away?  So I can see the bare bones value in who I am and then ultimately to discover why I am here?

 

Good thing mysteries intrigue me.........so do I believe it????  Because Wayne Dyer said it, or because it actually is true?  What are you worth?

Lead, Follow or Get out of the Way.........

Despite feeling exhausted and in a great deal of pain, today was the day to actually get back in the kitchen and construct a complete recipe.  Fortunately in the past year or so of being home, I was silently drawn back to my love of cooking.  The result was that before surgery with some help my freezer was filled with yummy entrees, and I've been enjoying those spoils ever since.

It is a double sided sword as I so love to spend time and create in my kitchen but standing to chop, stir and create sends my pain level through the roof and completely drains my energy.  None the less, today I decided to embark on the journey yet again. 

Being silently drawn has indeed not led me astray.  I have plenty of leftovers to graze on for the next few days, hope to attempt another treat tomorrow, energy permitting........but most important is the satisfaction of not only completing a yummy recipe but also managing to clean my kitchen all before retiring to enjoy a cup of tea and bask in the joy of accomplishments.  As I've quieted the noise in my life, the resulting "pulls" of writing and cooking have yielded enormous rewards for me.  Wonder where the "pulls" will lead me next?

Me, Myself and I

Why is it so easy, especially for women, to feel like we never quite measure up?  I work at this every day and have made progress but still there are lots of times that I find myself feeling inadequate because I feel less than someone else, or myself?

Perhaps this is one of the keys to my healing?  I keep comparing where I am today with what my life looked like three years ago.  It was pretty good back then, had a job I loved and believed in, a great circle of people that I met with regularly, danced to great music every weekend, enjoyed the myriad of scenic walking trails available to me on the coast, spent lots of time at the beach playing with my pups and also enjoyed an active dating life.

There is no way I could have foreseen what lay ahead.

Does a good portion of my depression stem from the fact that life right now bears no resemblance to what it once was, nor will it ever again.  There are many days when I state, "I have no life".  The truth is I wake up every day, isn't that is the definition of "life"?  So truth be told, I do have a life, just not the one I want!!!  I seem to be stuck in comparing what I have to what I  had or think I should have.  Not a reality and no one ever said there were guaranties in life.  A great lesson in enjoying "the present".  Not the past and not the future.......that's why it's called the present - my present!!!

Guess my aha moment today is that I need to stop comparing myself to myself.  Somehow I must let go of and stop grieving the past; embrace and enjoy the present and start looking toward the future, whatever it may be.

Twisted, warped or slightly bent???

Those who know me, love or at least tolerate my warped sense of humor.  I love to laugh and aim it at myself on a regular basis.  This quote for some reason struck my funny bone simply based on the fact that it's been a very long time since I woke up feeling anything but "oh I'm still here".

The great news is that my blinding headache from yesterday snuck off like a thief in the night.

Regardless I still am exhausted and already contemplating my afternoon nap.  If we had any sunshine, I'd probably curl up in the sun, nap and pretend I was a fat cat.  At least I've got half of it covered!  In spite of the exhaustion there are a few things on my plate these days, "goals" if I dare call them that.  One is taking Miss Lola for a daily walk, it's good for her and gets me out of the house.  Used to be I was a social butterfly, but now I rarely leave the house.  A few of the changes that are beginning to grow on me.  I love my home and it's at the top of my thankfulness list every day, but a few minutes of natural vitamin D3 is awesome.  Another daily mission is to write.  Whether it's this blog or one of the other projects that have been roaming around in my mind, the daily discipline is essential.  The past four months since my surgery, have been a nightmare.  My surgeon had warned me that the worst was yet to come, but who knows what that entails till you're smack dab in the middle of it.  This week it seems that some of the mental fog has parted and low and behold I can put two thoughts sequentially on a page. 

All that to say........I may not bound out of bed with vim and vigor in the morning, but my days are consistently improving in some small way and I'm thankful.

Some Days are Brighter than Others

Today has been testing "my power" to the limit.  No one seems to know why, but this past six months or so I have suffered with terrible headaches.  There were migraines caused by a spinal leak during surgery, and I suffered for weeks before a blood patch was authorized and fixed the problem.  But still I have way too many headaches.  Today was one of those days that I woke up, took a healthy dose of meds and went back to bed to sleep it off.

When I finally got up around noon a creamy coffee combined with a bite to eat was consumed with the hope of boosting my energy reserves.  Turns out today was both physically and mentally overcast.

Yet still I try........ lesson number one on dull days is to count my blessings.  This is an exercise I started years ago and through many dark times it usually manages to rise to the top of the heap in ways to brighten a day.  On rough days I may only list five that come to mind, but that often shifts my mood.  Today I got a couple of added power boosts, a call from my sister which shone some inner sunshine and lastly, I took my "sexy senior Lola" for a walk to the corner and back.  Don't laugh, that's a big adventure for her and I.  A combination of the three power boosts did indeed brighten my day.

All that to say, it's dusk and although it wasn't bright enough today to need sunglasses, I do feel loved, grateful and am relaxing in front of the glowing embers of a warm fire as the coastal fog rolls in. 

Can a Leopard Change its Spots?

........my current focus.  I fight change in so many ways, and yet I yearn for it.  History has revealed that "big" change has been a breeze for me.........but we all know that life is about the details and those I cling to like a life raft.  Go figure???

As I've been at writing my way through this misery thing for six months now, it is about time I embrace the change waving at me.  It feels almost poetic that April's season is "spring", representing new beginnings.  Coming from Canada, this was often the time when we finally bid a last farewell to the snow laden trees and sidewalks to make way for grassy knolls and the buds of forgotten trees.  Now, as a spoiled Californian I still celebrate spring but with less bravado due to the almost complete lack of winter.

Ah yes, I digress...... a trip down the rabbit hole.  So it would seem that what I have and am being offered is a series of "small" changes that will eventually add up to monumental changes in my life.  I recall the saying of eating an elephant one bite at a time.......well it would seem that my lesson is of changing a wee bit each and every day.  I used to glibly say that you're either growing or dying, and actually thought I understood what I was saying.  Was I mistaken!!!  This growing business is exhausting and challenging, and I can only hope and pray that I like the outcome.

Today's message says, one of the hardest lessons is letting go.  It seems my life has been a series of downsizings, the new buzzword.  I'm downsizing, carrying less baggage, whether that is guilt, anger, loss or some other now defunct item cluttering my life.  "Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and smile, smile, smile", an old marching song from 1915.  As I lace up my boots can you hear me exclaim..........onward and upward.

Moving Right Along

Hey, hey it's April Fool's Day and no this is not a joke.  It has been a long time since I wrote a blog.......feels like an eternity for me but I keep reminding myself that it's about "The Journey", my journey and that means there may be adjustments along the way. 

This new blog is exactly that NEW.  "The Countdown" was no longer working for me and try as I might there were no new or original thoughts running rampant through my brain.  For a number of reasons but primarily because my healing process is going to take a lot longer than originally predicted and thus my one year transformation may have been a "bit" optimistic which was a painful realization for me.  One I didn't need to remind myself about frequently.

In the mean time my twisted sense of humor brought this title, "Diary of a Bad Back Woman" to mind and it seems more appropriate and something I hope will inspire me.  The writing process and playing with words brings a smile to both my face and heart so we'll see what comes to me on a daily, weekly basis.  In the meantime, admit it.......life would be boring without me!