The pre surgery madness continues and I'm so thankful that it comes in stages. Never has the necessity of quiet been clearer in my life as I try to keep all the pieces together in some semblance of chaos. Would say order but I've long ago given up hope of ordering anything but a meal in a restaurant.
So what do I know?
For no reason whatsoever my level of frustration is at the max. It feels like any moment the top of my head may blow off and I'll go running down the street screaming at the top of my lungs. Not because of anything in particular. Just pure unadulterated frustration. How did I get here? The never ending question that breaks my heart over and over and over again. Then, in a brief moment, the still small voice whispers, it will get better, hang in there, you will walk again, you will cook again, you will bend, dance, have a life ........... again.
Oft times when I silence my mind, there are pictures, short movie trailers that speak some sought after truth. Those minutes of peace where I rest in confidence pondering one of my favorite sayings: it will be ok in the end, and if it's not ok then it's not the end. Brief moments that once again feel like a warm ray of sunshine on my cheek reminding me that it's time to rest.
All this to say, those smart monks were on to something as was Frankie Valle when he sang ..... "Silence is golden but my eyes still see".
The break this time is coming in the form of a moratorium on talking. Yup, you heard it right. Caroline who loves to talk is cutting off verbal communication in hopes of saving what is left of my threadbare relationships. My person reached new heights of frustration and crazy behavior this week. And as I count down the days until my third surgery in fifteen months one might wonder how much more amplified this bizarre behavior may become? If anyone had been brave enough to tell me what my life would look like in 2014, I'd have had to hurt them.
It's been awhile since I've written and that's simply because I've tried to adhere to the philosophy that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Recently my days have resembled scary scenes off the worst reality show you can imagine. Oh dear god, I pray the batteries on my mouth would run out. There's a crazy woman loose and she's lurking waiting for the next victim to unravel on.
Daily my struggle entails, why am I here; how did I end up here; what have I done to deserve this; if I create my reality, I need some art classes. All those placating sayings that are meant to bring hope and joy, fall flat in times like these. A few short weeks ago the discussion with my therapist centered around why am I still here. And I truly meant what I said. What is keeping me here. Although the answer eludes me, there have been days where one simple ray of sunshine shines through and warms my face, reassuring me that indeed there are better days to come.
I'm afraid. Actually, I'm terrified. Traditionally fear was something I ran at, faced so it no longer controlled or scared me. These days, even this pillar is failing. The past two surgeries I have been sicker than ever in my life. Apparently my body rejects anesthetic resulting in screaming headaches and projectile vomiting. Even my simple bodily functions have their own agenda. It is too difficult to look past this pain to see the healing on the other side. So with surgery number three glaring down at me one doesn't even have to aim to hit my crazy button.
So Dear Life, enough is enough!!! I need a break, please?!
What do I want to say? This is New Years Eve for me. It was a year ago that I began, "The Countdown", chronicling my journey through preparing for major back surgery and the following year or so of healing.
My hopes and dreams were that somehow my writing would be a platform for me to express and process my emotions, thoughts, frustrations and fears and that perhaps if someone happened upon my bletherings they might somehow be encouraged also.
The sentence running through my mind right now is, how's that working for you? To which I have to reply ..... not so well. In three days it will be a month since my right hip was replaced. Last November was my "successful" triple fusion back surgery and most every day since then I've struggled to keep my head above water, to look for the silver lining. My original blog morphed into "Diary of a Bad Back Woman", as it became abundantly clear that there was no immediate end in sight for my healing process. And there too I've struggled openly with the fact that living in chronic high levels of pain, existing with the aid of strong medications that often cloud my thinking, makes processing thoughts enough to mold them into some semblance of a blog often nothing more than a pipe dream. Suffice it to say, my spirit is willing but the rest of me ....... will try, try again.
This past two years have changed me; why I stumble along this path remains a mystery to me. But stumble I do, and surrender I will as I endeavor to let go. Ultimately at the end of the day, week, month, year all there is is faith ....... faith in what will be.
This is a really depressing quote if you happen to find yourself, as I do, without good health. And this guy Herophilus doesn't give much hope. So many thoughts running around in my head but none of them leading anywhere I'd like to go. Get outta your head is what I keep hearing......to which I reply.......where am I going to go?
This past week has been one of the roughest in a long time. Going round and round the same issues in my head, mostly stemming from the frustrations that have been sucking my energy for over two years. It's brutal to keep going round and round, especially when you can't walk.
So I've taken almost a week of near complete solitude to consider my life. Kinda scary when coming from such a dark place. What I do have going for me are an amazing family and very dear friends who respect me and my process more so than even I do.
What I'm trying to do or accomplish or discover is my new "normal", especially when I don't "want" a new normal. I want, I want, I want my "old" really fun life back. There we have it ...... the issue right now is that I'm stuck in temper tantrum mode instead of stepping back and allowing the universe to reveal my new normal.
Yes, it's difficult living in constant pain, no, I don't have my health, and the fights for my medical care are going to continue for quite some time which is really depressing. I've played that record over and over and over and gotten nowhere but into a deep dark hole. Perhaps it's time for a different strategy. Hire a yogi, learn to meditate, take up drinking to excess, or as a bumper sticker from years ago said, "Get in, hang on and shut up!!!"
It's been forever!!! As boring as my life is this has been a very full month; depositions, mediation, cortisone shots in both the IT bands and my right hip, plus my computer took a sabbatical. So here I am......writing on my brand new wonderful beast, well once I learn Windows 8.
The thing I really miss, meditating on whatever message the universe gives me, a seemingly random quote. What's been interesting is that I couldn't write with my ancient computer, and as such I didn't find many quotes to ponder. What's that all about. Is this truly my sanity forum?
Regardless, one thing that remains the same is my incessant need to be in control, leaving no room for "what is", those little surprises that make life interesting, new things, people, experiences. I miss the fun of the unexpected.
Can't help but wonder......does my incessant thinking and worrying feed the depression that seems to overtake me? What I learned this week is that when everything seems black, look for one point of light in the dark sky, make that the north star and focus on it. Go to whatever bright spot there is, and it changes continually, it may be my family, a friend, perhaps my pups....... Many days lately this has seemed a monumental task so I've turned to comedy movies. Whatever works, the goal is to laugh, smile and find the ray of sunshine. Stop thinking and start searching.
Close your eyes and visualize Phyllis Diller looking like she just survived a wind tunnel. Now you know how I feel. Strong winds......are you kidding me? Try gale force and we'll be on the same page. Me, well my hair is completely askew, my shape resembles a pretzel from trying to bend in these winds and my hands are open so whatever doesn't need to be there blows away.
One thing that has been incredibly fascinating to me through my journey is how quickly perspectives can change. I started this blog a couple of weeks ago. When I don't write it's because things are especially challenging and I'm just trying to keep my head above water. As I've tried over the past weeks to finish the blog it has morphed into a different focus. What I would have said 2-3 weeks ago about the winds, although true and valid is not what I say today having endured another incredibly difficult period.
The storm subsided after some particularly difficult days where the pain was so intense all I could do was cry. Saw my back surgeon for monthly followup and decided that regardless of everything else I just need to get my hips replaced, quit waiting for workers comp cause I'll be dead before they get things in order and see if we can find the bottom. A place from which to begin the massive rebuilding process of my life. Waddled upstairs to the hip surgeons office, still sobbing.......OMG resembling a puffer fish, big red, swollen eyes. His assistant, god bless her soul checked my legs and determined that my IT Bands were outta control with inflammation. Long story longer, she gave me cortisone shots in both legs and within five minutes I was a different person. Still crazy but not psycho. My question then becomes how does anyone determine what the heck is wrong with me on any given day. There is so much deterioration it is hard to determine, but on Thursday I was thankful for the nurse practitioner who was flexible enough to look for another option to my pain and her two cortisone shots.
I guess one lesson to keep in mind when facing challenges is perspective. Being flexible and open to explore other avenues, Whether the winds are warm tropical breezes or gale force winds, my best option will not be to open my umbrella, unless of course I'm Mary Poppins being carried away to something new and better.
- Sure wish it were easier for me to learn my lessons. Getting hit up side the head continually leads to some serious headaches.
How many times have I shared this lesson over my months of writing. Sheesh ......... On the flip side this do or die attitude has worked so well for me over the years, it's just realizing these are not those years.
What have I been learning? Wow, so many lessons but this is perhaps the most important: Accept, Let Go and Trust!!!
When I actually take a step back, breathe and study the situation ........ temper those feelings with the fact that favor really does seem to follow me ...... and the conclusion must be ....... what the heck am I freaking out about? Losing my peace and focus simply opens the door for more confusion, stress and anxiety. Coming from a place of faith and trust means accepting that there is no other outcome but what is ultimately best for me.
In no way does this preclude me from staying on top of the myriad of doctors, lawyers and case managers, but when things suddenly turn at 90 degrees, my first reaction needs to be ........ breathe.
I am a blessed person and sure have lost sight of that these past months by focusing on what I've lost. There is a long list of amazing blessings that blows my socks off. So even though things haven't gone according to plan and my body will never be whole and operational again, the focus needs to turn to my faith that there is a pot of gold at the end of this rainbow. All I need to do is take a deep breath, grab my raincoat and galoshes and look for the nearest puddle to splash in.
Today's title is a line from one of my favorite movies, "Sex and the City", where Carrie and Big are looking at a penthouse apartment, she is in love with it and he says, "I've got it babe, I've got this one". Deep in my heart these words are ringing as tho the powers that be are telling me ...... I've got it Caroline, I've got this one, and I'll build you a really big closet to boot.
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