So Where Do I Go From Here?

This is a really depressing quote if you happen to find yourself, as I do, without good health.  And this guy Herophilus doesn't give much hope.  So many thoughts running around in my head but none of them leading anywhere I'd like to go.  Get outta your head is what I keep hearing......to which I reply.......where am I going to go? 

This past week has been one of the roughest in a long time.  Going round and round the same issues in my head, mostly stemming from the frustrations that have been sucking my energy for over two years.  It's brutal to keep going round and round, especially when you can't walk. 

So I've taken almost a week of near complete solitude to consider my life.  Kinda scary when coming from such a dark place.  What I do have going for me are an amazing family and very dear friends who respect me and my process more so than even I do.

What I'm trying to do or accomplish or discover is my new "normal", especially when I don't "want" a new normal.  I want, I want, I want my "old" really fun life back.  There we have it ...... the issue right now is that I'm stuck in temper tantrum mode instead of stepping back and allowing the universe to reveal my new normal.

Yes, it's difficult living in constant pain, no, I don't have my health, and the fights for my medical care are going to continue for quite some time which is really depressing.  I've played that record over and over and over and gotten nowhere but into a deep dark hole.  Perhaps it's time for a different strategy.  Hire a yogi, learn to meditate, take up drinking to excess, or as a bumper sticker from years ago said, "Get in, hang on and shut up!!!"

And the Beat Goes On ........

It's been forever!!!  As boring as my life is this has been a very full month; depositions, mediation, cortisone shots in both the IT bands and my right hip, plus my computer took a sabbatical.  So here I am......writing on my brand new wonderful beast, well once I learn Windows 8.

The thing I really miss, meditating on whatever message the universe gives me, a seemingly random quote.  What's been interesting is that I couldn't write with my ancient computer, and as such I didn't find many quotes to ponder.  What's that all about.  Is this truly my sanity forum? 

Regardless, one thing that remains the same is my incessant need to be in control, leaving no room for "what is", those little surprises that make life interesting, new things, people, experiences.  I miss the fun of the unexpected.

Can't help but wonder......does my incessant thinking and worrying feed the depression that seems to overtake me?  What I learned this week is that when everything seems black, look for one point of light in the dark sky, make that the north star and focus on it.  Go to whatever bright spot there is, and it changes continually, it may be my family, a friend, perhaps my pups.......  Many days lately this has seemed a monumental task so I've turned to comedy movies.  Whatever works, the goal is to laugh, smile and find the ray of sunshine.  Stop thinking and start searching.