I've Got This One!

1. Sure wish it were easier for me to learn my lessons.  Getting hit up side the head continually leads to some serious headaches. 

How many times have I shared this lesson over my months of writing.  Sheesh .........  On the flip side this do or die attitude has worked so well for me over the years, it's just realizing these are not those years.

What have I been learning?  Wow, so many lessons but this is perhaps the most important:  Accept, Let Go and Trust!!! 

When I actually take a step back, breathe and study the situation ........ temper those feelings with the fact that favor really does seem to follow me ...... and the conclusion must be ....... what the heck am I freaking out about?  Losing my peace and focus simply opens the door for more confusion, stress and anxiety.  Coming from a place of faith and trust means accepting that there is no other outcome but what is ultimately best for me.

In no way does this preclude me from staying on top of the myriad of doctors, lawyers and case managers, but when things suddenly turn at 90 degrees, my first reaction needs to be ........ breathe.

I am a blessed person and sure have lost sight of that these past months by focusing on what I've lost.  There is a long list of amazing blessings that blows my socks off.  So even though things haven't gone according to plan and my body will never be whole and operational again, the focus needs to turn to my faith that there is a pot of gold at the end of this rainbow.  All I need to do is take a deep breath, grab my raincoat and galoshes and look for the nearest puddle to splash in.

Today's title is a line from one of my favorite movies, "Sex and the City", where Carrie and Big are looking at a penthouse apartment, she is in love with it and he says, "I've got it babe, I've got this one".  Deep in my heart these words are ringing as tho the powers that be are telling me ...... I've got it Caroline, I've got this one, and I'll build you a really big closet to boot.

Trust your own style!!!

It's been awhile, and I've missed writing.  An over eventful couple of weeks kept my head spinning out of control.  At least there were a few "fun" events thrown in. 

One of the questions that has been reeling around in my head over these past months, years is who am I now and who will I be when I'm "fixed"???

Last week I was fortunate enough to have been invited to the 1st Communion of a dear friend of mine's daughter and the gathering of friends afterwards.  Of course the subject of Caroline and her adventures always comes up, but a new friend, who also has a severely handicapped friend, turned to me and said, "what one thing would you advise people about their lives".  Meaning, since my current life bears no resemblance to the former, how do I cope and how do you impart to people the necessity of enjoying life.  I was speechless, and for anyone who knows me, that is a rare thing indeed.  To date, I still have no answers and that is how I replied.  There is no way to prepare yourself for this much destruction.  Am back receiving regular sanity sessions with my wonderful therapist and last week I asked and he answered that he has never seen this many things go wrong in a Workers Comp case.  So there you have it. 

What I am learning is to live in the moment.  It's such an unsettling space for me to be in, that I can't control a darn thing in my life.  On the flip side, as I practice living in the moment, there are the unexpected surprises of people's kindness, or smelling my jasmine as I open my door.  These are the "new style" of Caroline that is emerging.  Life is at a gentle pace for me, so the new style is quieter, more reflective, and appreciative of small mercies.  Who knows if the kick butt Caroline will return?  For now.........I still love pink, my dogs, flowers, and the fact that as I need things they manifest.  Trust, I'm learning to trust.