Slip, sliding away.......

And there we have it.........the silver lining!!!  Between exhaustion and my hip, climbing a hill is a physical impossibility.  Therefore the conclusion formed is that I have discovered the fountain of youth.  Climb up the hill and before you reach the top slide back down.  Wheeeeee.......

Saturday was another one of those days that a little humor helped.  A blinding headache had me in bed much of the day and what amazed me most was that I didn't do a darn thing but sleep.  Ha ha, can't climb a hill while you're sleeping either.

When I was a much younger woman, my thoughts were that "this" age was way over the hill.  Now I ask, how did I get here?  Where did all the time go?  I guess that since the main benefit to being this tired is that I'll never be over the hill, shouting hallelujah.......there is a god is a fitting birthday song.

As another new year is beginning, I look to the skies with a glimmer of hope, from my deposition on Thursday, that this may be a better year. 

You snooze, you lose?

According to me this is about right for a Friday.  You're either of the mindset yeehaw it's party time, or listening to one of the voices in your head shouting.......go to sleep.

It's been another tough and exhausting week.  Whew, glad it's over.  Lots accomplished around the house and yesterday was my Workers Compensation deposition in regards to my left hip. 
Ended up my lawyer pushed to also do a psych evaluation for coverage.  Long, long and exhausting afternoon.  The ray of hope is that there is now both a new case worker as well as law firm on the defense side of this case.  The ball has been dropped and it has cost me dearly, and dare me to have more than a flicker of hope that anything will change, but when I left my lawyer did have a firm commitment to get the transcript within the next week to ten days and movement forward on my case.  There seems to be little doubt that my mental state is nothing short of critical.  It's been almost 3 years since I fell and hurt myself.  And it doesn't take a genius to evaluate the mental cost of chronic pain.

Re-reading the message above did cause me to take a step back......wait does that mean I have 5 voices in my head, the four dead beats above and one that shouts get a life, have some fun.  Used to be that Friday meant dancing and meeting friends for drinks to celebrate the weekend.  Now I check my TV schedule to see if there is some tantalizing show to watch.  Perhaps I just need to contemplate whether penguins have knees. 

Poor Eeyore!

Seems there is an identity crisis going on.  My character has always been Tigger!!!  And as you may know.....Tigger's can do anything.  Bouncy, bouncy.  I have a huge collection of items from a gorgeous cross stitch my sister made for me to a toothbrush, and everything in between.  Tigger is so happy, how can you have a bad day when he's around.  And that's how I've faced life.  There may be bumps, but in the end.......it's all good.

These days I seem to have to work really hard to find the bright side of life, my life.  That is so hard for me, I prefer to stay in bed over all other possibilities.  Most things seem to overwhelm me.  And when I do attempt projects my pain level goes from manageable to just shoot me.

So how do I triumph over these challenges?  I am dumbfounded...... me, the person who has done fire walks, bends rebar with thoughts and focus, can't find any joy in life.  Every mechanism that has worked in the past now seems to be failing.

How did Tigger turn into Eeyore???  Really......how did this happen?  More importantly, how do I "pin the tail on the donkey" and send him packing?   Living a life full of fear, anxiety and depression really is a drag.  I know people who make a life out of it and I'll never understand that.  I'd much rather let the sun shine in and face it with a grin.  Alternately should I pretend to walk on sunshine in rose colored glasses and see if that will help?

One Bite at a Time

Is overwhelmed the same as anxious?  Cause this is an emotion that is way too familiar to me.  It may not even be a faraway goal.  Lots of my overwhelming comes from little things like do I want to go to the store.  And the really big goals, are, what's for dinner?  So these are great words to talk myself off the ledge, "I have it within me".  Is there a common stressor?  And why are things such a big deal?  Who really gives a crap if I go to the store or not...it's not life or death.  Unless you're hoping for "death by chocolate"!

I'm trying to navigate the what causes and the why do I get so anxious?  What is so fearful and why do I get frozen in time? 

This quote came at the perfect time.  It's been a fruitful but painful week, and I'm left feeling as though I am not capable of caring for myself.  Cooked a whopping two meals and my pain level is just below shoot me.  I hate a messy kitchen, yet there is no chance that I can both cook and clean in the same 24 hour period.  It's hard because I love to cook and derive great joy out of creating some spicy new dish, but this morning I'm faced with a counter and two sinks full of dishes.  Not a pretty sight.

All this to remind myself that goals can be as faraway as half an hour and I still "have it within me".  Step back, breathe and remember Rome wasn't built in a day and healing takes time. 

Dollars or Sense or Reason?

"You are always a valuable, worthwhile human being, not because anybody says so, not because you're successful, not because you make a lot of money, but because you decide to believe it and for no other reason." - Wayne Dyer

 

 

Hmmmm......seems to be the theme of the day!!!

 

Just got home from a lovely time at the beach with my dear friend Pam.  We shared a bottle of wine on an exceptionally warm coastal day.  You have no idea!!!  I really do live in an incredibly beautiful area, but it is amazingly cold too.  It's all relative, but as Mark Twain said, "the coldest winter he'd ever spent was a summer in San Francisco".  I live just south of there and believe me.......... fires are an all summer long event. 

 

Just so happens we were solving "all" the world's problems.  Imagine .......... that much accomplished in just one bottle of wine.  If you'd like to know the vintage let me know.  Kidding aside we really did discuss personal "worth" issues and how they manifest differently in every one's life.  And all we had to do was read Wayne Dyer's book. 

 

Don't get me wrong, I love Wayne Dyer and believe he has an important message to the world.  Heck, we all have an important message, it's just that some people grab hold of their mission and actually try to fulfill it.  Why is that??  Some, "get it" and the rest of us fumble around saying we have no idea why we're here and what we're supposed "to do".  I'm trying to figure it out as I'm sure most people are.  As this time in my life seems to be about simplifying, getting to the bottom of it, stripping away all the extras and quieting all the noise in my life, what is left??? 

 

Well in re-reading the quote above, it would seem that what is left in my life is the stark reality that I am a worthwhile human being, for no other reason than because I am.  Perhaps I'll tattoo this on my hand as a constant reminder, because I've certainly fallen victim to most every entrapment to believe any other possibility.  Is this why my "life" has and is being stripped away?  So I can see the bare bones value in who I am and then ultimately to discover why I am here?

 

Good thing mysteries intrigue me.........so do I believe it????  Because Wayne Dyer said it, or because it actually is true?  What are you worth?

Lead, Follow or Get out of the Way.........

Despite feeling exhausted and in a great deal of pain, today was the day to actually get back in the kitchen and construct a complete recipe.  Fortunately in the past year or so of being home, I was silently drawn back to my love of cooking.  The result was that before surgery with some help my freezer was filled with yummy entrees, and I've been enjoying those spoils ever since.

It is a double sided sword as I so love to spend time and create in my kitchen but standing to chop, stir and create sends my pain level through the roof and completely drains my energy.  None the less, today I decided to embark on the journey yet again. 

Being silently drawn has indeed not led me astray.  I have plenty of leftovers to graze on for the next few days, hope to attempt another treat tomorrow, energy permitting........but most important is the satisfaction of not only completing a yummy recipe but also managing to clean my kitchen all before retiring to enjoy a cup of tea and bask in the joy of accomplishments.  As I've quieted the noise in my life, the resulting "pulls" of writing and cooking have yielded enormous rewards for me.  Wonder where the "pulls" will lead me next?

Me, Myself and I

Why is it so easy, especially for women, to feel like we never quite measure up?  I work at this every day and have made progress but still there are lots of times that I find myself feeling inadequate because I feel less than someone else, or myself?

Perhaps this is one of the keys to my healing?  I keep comparing where I am today with what my life looked like three years ago.  It was pretty good back then, had a job I loved and believed in, a great circle of people that I met with regularly, danced to great music every weekend, enjoyed the myriad of scenic walking trails available to me on the coast, spent lots of time at the beach playing with my pups and also enjoyed an active dating life.

There is no way I could have foreseen what lay ahead.

Does a good portion of my depression stem from the fact that life right now bears no resemblance to what it once was, nor will it ever again.  There are many days when I state, "I have no life".  The truth is I wake up every day, isn't that is the definition of "life"?  So truth be told, I do have a life, just not the one I want!!!  I seem to be stuck in comparing what I have to what I  had or think I should have.  Not a reality and no one ever said there were guaranties in life.  A great lesson in enjoying "the present".  Not the past and not the future.......that's why it's called the present - my present!!!

Guess my aha moment today is that I need to stop comparing myself to myself.  Somehow I must let go of and stop grieving the past; embrace and enjoy the present and start looking toward the future, whatever it may be.

Twisted, warped or slightly bent???

Those who know me, love or at least tolerate my warped sense of humor.  I love to laugh and aim it at myself on a regular basis.  This quote for some reason struck my funny bone simply based on the fact that it's been a very long time since I woke up feeling anything but "oh I'm still here".

The great news is that my blinding headache from yesterday snuck off like a thief in the night.

Regardless I still am exhausted and already contemplating my afternoon nap.  If we had any sunshine, I'd probably curl up in the sun, nap and pretend I was a fat cat.  At least I've got half of it covered!  In spite of the exhaustion there are a few things on my plate these days, "goals" if I dare call them that.  One is taking Miss Lola for a daily walk, it's good for her and gets me out of the house.  Used to be I was a social butterfly, but now I rarely leave the house.  A few of the changes that are beginning to grow on me.  I love my home and it's at the top of my thankfulness list every day, but a few minutes of natural vitamin D3 is awesome.  Another daily mission is to write.  Whether it's this blog or one of the other projects that have been roaming around in my mind, the daily discipline is essential.  The past four months since my surgery, have been a nightmare.  My surgeon had warned me that the worst was yet to come, but who knows what that entails till you're smack dab in the middle of it.  This week it seems that some of the mental fog has parted and low and behold I can put two thoughts sequentially on a page. 

All that to say........I may not bound out of bed with vim and vigor in the morning, but my days are consistently improving in some small way and I'm thankful.

Some Days are Brighter than Others

Today has been testing "my power" to the limit.  No one seems to know why, but this past six months or so I have suffered with terrible headaches.  There were migraines caused by a spinal leak during surgery, and I suffered for weeks before a blood patch was authorized and fixed the problem.  But still I have way too many headaches.  Today was one of those days that I woke up, took a healthy dose of meds and went back to bed to sleep it off.

When I finally got up around noon a creamy coffee combined with a bite to eat was consumed with the hope of boosting my energy reserves.  Turns out today was both physically and mentally overcast.

Yet still I try........ lesson number one on dull days is to count my blessings.  This is an exercise I started years ago and through many dark times it usually manages to rise to the top of the heap in ways to brighten a day.  On rough days I may only list five that come to mind, but that often shifts my mood.  Today I got a couple of added power boosts, a call from my sister which shone some inner sunshine and lastly, I took my "sexy senior Lola" for a walk to the corner and back.  Don't laugh, that's a big adventure for her and I.  A combination of the three power boosts did indeed brighten my day.

All that to say, it's dusk and although it wasn't bright enough today to need sunglasses, I do feel loved, grateful and am relaxing in front of the glowing embers of a warm fire as the coastal fog rolls in. 

Can a Leopard Change its Spots?

........my current focus.  I fight change in so many ways, and yet I yearn for it.  History has revealed that "big" change has been a breeze for me.........but we all know that life is about the details and those I cling to like a life raft.  Go figure???

As I've been at writing my way through this misery thing for six months now, it is about time I embrace the change waving at me.  It feels almost poetic that April's season is "spring", representing new beginnings.  Coming from Canada, this was often the time when we finally bid a last farewell to the snow laden trees and sidewalks to make way for grassy knolls and the buds of forgotten trees.  Now, as a spoiled Californian I still celebrate spring but with less bravado due to the almost complete lack of winter.

Ah yes, I digress...... a trip down the rabbit hole.  So it would seem that what I have and am being offered is a series of "small" changes that will eventually add up to monumental changes in my life.  I recall the saying of eating an elephant one bite at a time.......well it would seem that my lesson is of changing a wee bit each and every day.  I used to glibly say that you're either growing or dying, and actually thought I understood what I was saying.  Was I mistaken!!!  This growing business is exhausting and challenging, and I can only hope and pray that I like the outcome.

Today's message says, one of the hardest lessons is letting go.  It seems my life has been a series of downsizings, the new buzzword.  I'm downsizing, carrying less baggage, whether that is guilt, anger, loss or some other now defunct item cluttering my life.  "Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and smile, smile, smile", an old marching song from 1915.  As I lace up my boots can you hear me exclaim..........onward and upward.

Moving Right Along

Hey, hey it's April Fool's Day and no this is not a joke.  It has been a long time since I wrote a blog.......feels like an eternity for me but I keep reminding myself that it's about "The Journey", my journey and that means there may be adjustments along the way. 

This new blog is exactly that NEW.  "The Countdown" was no longer working for me and try as I might there were no new or original thoughts running rampant through my brain.  For a number of reasons but primarily because my healing process is going to take a lot longer than originally predicted and thus my one year transformation may have been a "bit" optimistic which was a painful realization for me.  One I didn't need to remind myself about frequently.

In the mean time my twisted sense of humor brought this title, "Diary of a Bad Back Woman" to mind and it seems more appropriate and something I hope will inspire me.  The writing process and playing with words brings a smile to both my face and heart so we'll see what comes to me on a daily, weekly basis.  In the meantime, admit it.......life would be boring without me!